Kayla Josiane Horrocks

Always

2009-03-27T02:03:00.002-06:00

I always seem to write these things late at night... and I've probably said that before but oh well... Anyways. I've just been thinking how weird life is. I realized the relationship I was in wasn't working out and that it had no future, so that's over with, a friend that I've had since I was in 8th grade I haven't talked to since November, I feel like my brother can't talk to me anymore because I'm not home. I dunno. It's funny how they say things always change and how you don't really believe them, but it's true. Change is the only constant in life. I'm not going to go on and ramble like I usually do, I don't have the energy. All I want to say is I wish things didn't always have to change. I wish I could find a relationship that will for once work out. I wish that I could talk to my old friend without it being extremely awkward and her not hating me. I wish my brother would call me up anytime and just talk to me like I was right there. I even wish I was home right now with my family. But I suppose that's all you can do is make your wish that things were different and then go on with the way the world is now and just make the best of everything.

The Journey

2009-02-28T01:53:00.001-07:00

I have to say I find it a little odd that I always write my blog entries really late at night... or I guess early in the morning if you look at it that way. This one hopefully wont be too long since I just wanna say a few things. Life is just weird, it's sooo weird! It's crazy the changes it has for you. I sometimes feel like I'm on a rollar coaster and I can't get off. I find it sad that with all that I have in my life, from my family to my home, even the clothes I wear and the food I can eat anytime I want, that at times I find myself unhappy.

I really try to appreciate what I have. I mean compared to most of the world, I'm rich! But it's just sometimes hard to see the good in life. Those are the time we just need to stop and smell the roses as they say. Our lives are just so busy now a days, it's hard to just go out and enjoy nature, but I feel that it is those times we really get the sense of God and we really get to appreciate all we have. I just look at my problems, and I mean the big problems I seem to have and then I look at what other people would call big problems. I'm not going to bed hungry, in fact I have to watch what I eat so I don't gain weight. I have a roof over my head and don't need to worry about whether or not I'll be cold or wet at night. I have shoes without holes to where everyday, in fact I have multiple pairs of shoes. Things like running water I take for granted and I don't think people ever really stop and think about what life would be like without those things. We in America are just so used to having those things.

This country has become a country of people who think they deserve everything. People think they can just have whatever they want when they want it. Whatever happened to waiting and saving for things you wanted? What ever happened to hard work? The constitution says we have the right to the pursuit of happiness. That doesn't mean it's all just going to be given to us, that just because we are born here means we should have everything we want. People need to work for it, put in a little elbow grease. Without hard work and effort, how can you be happy with your life? If you just get everything you ever wanted without putting in some effort, are you really happy? I don't think so. My dad tells me it's not about the end result, it's about the journey. It's those paths we choose that manke a difference, that teach up who we are and what we can do. Life may be like a rollar coaster, but without the downs there would be no ups. Without failure there could be no success. Without hard work, there can be no victory and satisfaction.

It's Weird

2008-12-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

It's weird how life just decides to catch up with you. You think your doing alright, like maybe everything will work out. Your just starting to get happy, and then it's all yanked away by one thought, one action. Life sure has changed a lot from the last time I wrote. The guy I liked, I've pretty much given up on. He blew me off, yet again, and I just don't want to put up with it. Life is too short to be treated like that. Besides I don't think he likes me anyway as he hasn't talk to me since. Oh well, I suppose it doesn't matter in the long run. I can't be waisting my time anymore anyway.

And then there is the fact that I'm trying to sell my apartment. There was a girl that I was pretty sure was legit, but now I'm not so sure. She's asking me to wire funds over. Well I'll just have to take the money order to the bank and wait for it to clear before I do something like that. I would be scammed out of nearly $3,000 if I don't wait. We'll see, I really hope it's not a fraud because that would just set so many things back. I need to move to the house with Chelsea! I'm going completely crazy here! I dunno, I just hope things work out for me. -le sigh-

Then there is the matter of KC. It's finally hit me that he is gone for two years. I really want to call him, or see him, just to talk. That boy knows everything about me and it would be so nice to talk to someone that understood me the way he does. I feel so horrible about missing his farewell. I miss KC, I love him, although right now I'm confused at what type of love it is. I dunno. I just need to write him, tell him he's doing a good job, just be there for him. It's just hard when I'm missing him so bad.

Maybe it has something to do with me wanting someone to hold me, someone to hug and kiss. Life would be so much easier if I had a boyfriend, and yet, maybe it would complicate things too. Oh I don't know. Life is just so crazy right now! I wish things would settle down and just be good and happy. Life is hard, but it's so much easier with someone you love or care about next to you. Is it too much to ask for that kind of support? I guess it is.

Just going on....

2008-11-14T03:02:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here, just after 3 in the morning, not really knowing what to do or say. I don't understand people, I don't understand myself. I just read a friends blog, some new entries I hadn't seen yet, and I don't know what to think. Why is it that because of my religion I'm judged? I'm told that I shouldn't follow the rules, I need to chill out? If I don't follow what my religion teaches perfectly I'm suddenly a hypocrite! Well news flash, nobody is perfect! We are all striving to be the best us, people make mistakes, people have things that are difficult for them. I have things I struggle with every day, but does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a hypocrite? No, I don't think it does. I think it makes me human.

I really hate people that judge others right off the bat, but as I look back on the last month or so, I hate to admit that I sort of did that. A new girl moved into our apartment at the beginning of October. I admit that I judged her, I thought she was a party girl, someone who had a different lifestyle than I did. Well I was right. I also thought she seemed really friendly and nice, really chill I guess. I thought we would all get along. So yeah, I judged, but probably not in the way she thinks. See she got kicked out of the apartment because of me. She was smoking in the apartment, and after trying to deal with her for nearly a month that was the last straw for me. I really didn't think they'd kick her out, just give her a fine or something, but they kicked her out.

Well I felt terrible, I really did. And we ended up talking, explaining our feelings and although we weren't friends or anything, I thought we would be cool. I was wrong. Ever since she's been really rude to me, going into my room when I'm not home, stealing my food. Last weekend I went home and when I came back there was very crude things written on my white board, which she erased when I went out to get some stuff from my car. I know what happened wasn't fun for her, in fact I'm sure it sucked, but why can't people have some class? Deal with things like and adult! I mean, we're not in high school, we're not little kids. If you have a problem with me say something to my face, don't go stealing from me and writing rude things about me when I'm not home. I know the girl hates me, she has her reasons, but I try to be nice to her and all I get is crap.

And then my other roommate... I just don't get her sometimes. I really need to talk to her because I feel like she is being two-faced. I mean I know she likes the girl that got kicked out, their friends, they have similiar lifestyles and there is nothing wrong with that, but when we talk, she says she doesn't like her and all this stuff. Actually this weekend I feel like she betrayed me, like our friendship means nothing. I mean if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be letting someone go into my roommates room, I wouldn't let them steal from my roommate, I wouldn't let them write those things. It makes me feel like maybe my roommate doesn't like me like I think she does, like she only hangs with me when there is no one better to be with. It sucks and it makes me not want to live her anymore, in fact I'm thinking of moving in with some other girls. I just can't handle it anymore.

And then their are boys... oh wow, what can I say about boys. First off, my long distance relationship is completely over, it just didn't work out. I want to date, to be close to someone. I need the contact, which is funny because I'm not really getting any. There is a guy, Patrick, who I've liked since I was in high school. He went on a mission and I sort of forgot about him, not completely, but I came to terms with the fact that he probably would never notice me. Funny thing life is, the first week he was back we talked, and became quick friends. We've been on a few dates now and I really like the guy, but I'm so nervous around him! I feel like a complete retard! I mean, I want to hold his hand, I can't. I want to tell him that I like him, I can't. Maki seems to have such easy relationships with people, I wish I could too. I guess I'm afraid of scaring him off, he's an RM after all and I don't know what his thoughts are on everything. Boys... that all I have to say.

Thinking

2008-10-05T23:02:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here, having just finished the Emma Smith movie, thinking about all the many blessings I have, all the love that is in my life. It's funny, I was so sad when I came home to my apartment, I was sad and annoyed and angry at Makaela and the new roommate Emily. It's funny now because all I feel is peace and love for them. I get so caught up in little things, things that they are doing, thing I cannot control. There is such a bigger world out there, so much more meaning to things. I take for granted so many things in my life, so many blessings I don't even acknowledge. What a blessing it was to watch General Conference this weekend with my family. What a blessing it is that I know the truth, that I can be truly happy.

It's interesting that I look at Maki's life and I see such fun and joy, but all that is only temporary, a temporary happiness that will never last. I wonder if Maki ever feels like anything this is missing from her life? When I feel that way, I pray and I'm comforted. What a blessing it is to know that God is real and that he hears and answers my prayers. How wonderful it is for me to know that God loves me, that he knows my name, that he knows my strengths and weaknesses and that whenever I am feeling frusterated or down all I need to do is turn to him and he will open up his arms for me. How I love this gospel!

The last few weeks have meant some major changes in my life, but how greatful I am that I made those decisions to change. I think of Emma Smith and all the trials that she had to go through. She is such an example to me, and I think that if she could undergo those hardships and still press forward, then how can I not stop those bad habits I have and move forward as well. I think when people look at our church all they see is rules and restrictions, but in obediance there really is true happiness. Even in the few weeks I have made it a goal to be different I have found myself being happier, even in the face of adversary. I feel strength from my heavenly father, and I know I can do what I need to do.

Sometimes all you can do is cry...

2008-09-25T02:51:00.000-06:00

It's nearly 3 in the morning and I can't sleep, there are just way to many thoughts going through my head. I feel on the verge of just breaking down, and I don't really understand why. I need someone to just hug me, hold me, and I have no one. I'm alone. Wow, this is like my second night I've ever been sad in Logan, I've stayed busy and happy, but now... tonight.. I'm just hurting inside. I miss my family, my brother Sean is sad and I want to know why. I don't know. I don't feel good, I just want to be at home with my family, enjoying their company. I miss them sooo much!

And then there is religion. I wrote some of this in my journal so I wont really go into it a whole lot here, but if feels like I stuggle so bad sometimes. Other people are just so strong in my faith. I believe it, I really like going to church, but it seems like it's the small things that give me the most trouble. I guess I should be happy I don't have some big huge issue, but it's frusterating knowing that what I just did was wrong. I know no one is perfect, but I feel like I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, like they are the thing Satan knows he can catch me with so I'll never live up to my full potential. I guess I just need to keep trying, just keep going and try my best each day. I hear that a lot, that we just need to do our best every day, but I feel like my best isn't good enough.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be worthy of a guy that will take me through the temple, and I want that more than anything. Sometimes I feel like I will have to settle for less, that I will have to go through what my parents went through, that I'll marry someone like my dad. Now don't get me wrong, I love my dad, in fact I think he understands me more than my mother does, but he has his problems like we all do and he has his faults and traits that I know I don't want in a husband. Also, it's not like I'm looking to get married right now, I'm all for waiting, after all I'll only be 20 in October... exactly a month from today actually... weird... anyways, but with a bunch of friends getting married or engaged, I just can't help but think that someday that will be me. That someday I'll be dressed in white getting married and sealed for all time and eternity to someone I completely love. And I want that to happen, I want that for myself. I want to have those temple blessing, when I have kids I want them to understand the truth, I want them to know that their mother believes in something.

I don't know, maybe I'm being such a girl, thinking of these things now when i don't even have a boyfriend, but they are concerns in my life and I felt like ranting a bit about them. I don't know how long this stuff will be around, maybe forever, and I wonder when I'm old and retired and my kids, if I actually do end up getting married before 40 and have some, see this. I wonder if they will realize that I was once their age, that I was a person after all. That maybe I had the same doubts they did, or do now. I wish my mother had written some things down, i wish I could talk to her right now. I miss my mom... and I feel so aweful, she thinks she annoys me and maybe sometimes she does but why do I have to be so rude to her? I probably hurt her feeling, I'm so selfish. Some people don't have a mother, or a mom that cares about them. Why do I have to be so horrible to mine sometimes. I must be a horrible person I guess.

I'm having a pity party here, I know, but I don't want people to pity me. I don't want them to think I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself, because that isn't true. These are concerns I have, feelings I'm feeling and things that I'm going to work on. Thinking all these thoughts, writing them up, turning around and fixing them, that's what this is about. Sometimes all you can do is cry, you just sit and cry, you pray to heavenly father, ask him for comfort and for some guidance, and maybe you are sad, but you get up and keep going, you fix your mistakes, you make yourself a better person and you learn.

It's funny, in the horse world we say 'cowboy up'... just get over it. Life is a lot like riding a horse. Sometimes you get a wild one, he takes you on a ride, throws you off, well then you just have to cowboy up, stand up, dust off your jeans, and get right back on that wild one, let him know that your not going to give up, let him know that he hasn't won. I think that's how life is. There are things that throw you down, make you upset and hurt, make you want to give up, but you can't, you just have to get right back up and try again, maybe tackle your problems from a different angle, but if you just give up, well then you've lost. The adversary has won. That horse will always remained untamed, or maybe someone else will come along, and ride that colt, accomplish what you gave up on, and then you miss out on something great, you miss out on that horse that would have made you a champion if you had only gotten back on.

So yeah, sometimes all you can do at the moment is cry, maybe your all scraped up and bruised, maybe you've been thrown to the ground and your bleeding, maybe your broken just a little, or maybe your even hurt pretty badly, but eventually your going to have to face that problem again, face that colt, and eventually your going to have to get back on, or walk away defeated. So you have to make the choice. I don't ever want to wonder if that horse would have been the best one I've ever had, I want to get back on, I want to know. I'm not one to just walk away from my problems, sure I've thought about it, I think everyone has when they go through a tough time, but I'll never just give up.

This blog has gone on a lot longer than I meant it to, I better just stop here before I start rambling about something else. I guess sometimes all I need is to put my thoughts down, to see them spelled out, to really think. Maybe I'm a bit bruised right now, but I can already feel those hurts healing, and I'm ready to give life another try...

Blogworld... here I come

2008-09-23T16:19:00.000-06:00

So I really don't know exactly why I wanted to start this blog up, I mean I'm not the kind of person who is going to be writing in this thing every day or even every week. I guess it's just a place to put down some thoughts, thoughts that I don't care if others read. I mean I have a journal that I keep so that I can write about what makes me happy or sad or lonely or excited, but it's more for private moments. I guess I sort of like the idea that if someone really wants to get into my head, they could at least sneak a peak here.

It's interesting, Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have any classes and I find myself getting a little lonely being here in my apartment. The rommie I have who is one of my really good friends isn't really around today, she's probably at the library and the other girl, well we just don't really click all that well. Sometimes she annoys me, which is a bit mean to say, but I've decided to try and be nice, to try and get to know her, after all she is a nice girl. I don't know I just feel like that every time she looks at me she is judging me, maybe I'm wrong, in fact I probably am completely wrong, but that's how I feel anyway.

At least life is so much better than last year. Weber is so much different than Utah State. People here actually want to make friends, most students live on or around campus instead of at home. There is something to do every night! Sure, Weber started out that way, but the fun only lasted about two weeks and then... nothing. Here, the fun just keeps coming! On top of that they have an Equestrian Team which I tried out for and made the western part! I was sooo happy! I love riding the horses! It's interesting to see how other people do things, how the horses were trained. It's strange to ride actually, my horse, Rowdy, has such a light mouth, you really don't need to pull on him at all. A little leg pressure and maybe a gentle nudge with your hand and he goes where you want him to go. These horses, well you can tell they've been pulled on a lot.

Anyways, that's really not all that interesting, my theory of the school horses and all. I really don't know what to say anymore, I'm not all that interesting I guess. It kind of sucks actually. I feel like my roomie has all these guys falling over her, and why not? she is absolutely gorgeous! I feel all sorts of ugly next to her. I just wish guys would notice me too, guys that actually lived here or stuck around. Sometimes I feel like guys only talk to me because they have to. I'm not looking to get married or anything, I can totally wait until the time is right for that, but sometimes it's nice to be told your pretty by a guy who really means it. Sometimes it's nice to hold hands, to hug, to be held, to kiss. I haven't had that in a long time, and watching all these other people with their significant other, it just makes me miss it, makes me want it. Maybe there is something about me that turns people off... I mean I don't think I'm that pretty, and I don't expect guys to think that either, but can't people see anything besides looks? Is that really all that matters?